What diffuses Anger?

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According to the movie Anger Management and Eskimos, it’s saying Goosfraba several times. The Eskimos used it to soothe an upset baby. Or is it counting to ten or twenty? Is it the pause? Maybe all of the above may get you out of the temporary situation but what if the anger is deeper?

Several years ago I was dating a woman with whom I was considering a long term relationship. It was to the point of introductions to the siblings and other members of the family. I was at my brother’s house and my sister-in-law, bless her heart, had started to get to know this woman I cared about. However, on the ride home I found out that she had told my friend that only emotion that was taught in my family growing up was anger. I am number 10 of 11 children and I flatly denied it with the biggest UHN UH I could muster. Then I got upset, then angry. I thought about what was happening to me at that point and thought… well maybe.

At that point I thought that if the perception of our family was that of an angry family that I had to change message with my own family. I started studying all the books I could about love. I studied the love languages. I studied the appropriate actions associated with love. I studied the words. I studied the kindness and small acts that transmit feelings of love. I studied the color codes. It all seemed so complicated to me. It seemed so time consuming to love that I began to understand the ‘why bother’ attitude of many. But my determination was to find out more. It occurred to me that scholars presented love as family stereotyped depending upon how you might have been raised. This was hope for change to me as I thought love or anger was a learned aspect of your past.

However, in all this research, one thing stuck out for me. If I could figure out a way to decide each day to love that day, I could change the outcome of the day. I determined to figure out a way. My family growing up played a lot of games. (Maybe the intense competition was mistaken for anger.) I loved games and I determined to take what I had learned and make it a game. I created icons that represented the languages of love. Then I found a dice manufacturer to put those icons on a die.

I have to say that after a few months of rolling a die to determine how I would love that day, my daily focus has changed to completely loving all day long. It’s a habit now. There isn’t any room for anger. I decided each day to love and go about watching for opportunities to love in many different and appropriate ways. Over a short time the anger is gone and my disposition has changed. This has been the best diffuser of anger I have ever found!

Paul Zolman

Paul Zolman

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